Looking back on my past blog posts, I have kept things pretty light-hearted and fun for the most part. I don't usually talk about depressing things very often. I guess it's because most of the time I don't feel the need to, things are always pretty great in my life...and if not, it's usually because I'm being whiny or hormonal or it's not even worth mentioning because it's so trivial.
But there is one thing that is always there. Sometimes it's farther back in my mind and other times it's much closer to the surface.
For those of you who don't know, my dad Bruce passed away in June of 2009. He was 54 years old. His medical history is very complicated and ultimately it is what lead to his death.
Sadly, he died 6 months before our wedding and that was very hard for me and my family. The first year in general was very emotional and surreal. I had a hard time believing it was real half the time. My mom, my brother, and I dealt with his death in very different ways and we continue to deal with it in different ways.
I can't believe it's been over 2 years since he died. It's gone so fast, yet so many things have changed in our lives since then. We've moved on....as much as you can when someone so important in your life dies.
Everyone always told me as time passes it will get easier but hit me at random moments and I won't understand why. That hadn't really happened until just the other day. Usually I can pinpoint what made me upset and I understand why it reminded me of him and how much I miss him. But in the last several months I have felt like I am on the verge of crying for no reason and he just pops up in my head. But I really haven't cried about it.
On Friday night, we were watching a TV show (Parenthood) and for whatever reason at the end of the show I got a huge lump in my throat. Sure, the episode had undertones that had to do with father-daughter or father-son relationships but nothing specific about the show really reminded me specifically of my dad. Now, it's not uncommon for me to cry during a TV show, especially at certain times of the month (if you catch my drift) so when Jason saw tears in my eyes at the end of the show he just smiled at me and didn't think much of it. I went to the bathroom and I cried a little bit but composed myself quickly and came back out to the couch. I knew I couldn't look Jason in the eye though because I knew that would be bad news. And sure enough, I look to my left and his sad puppy eyes looked at me and he asked me if I was okay and I started sobbing. Not just sobbing...but can't breath, hyperventilating, loud, and can't stop crying for anything kind of sobbing. I buried my face in his shirt and just laid there until I finally was able to stop.
It felt so good.
Months of pent up sadness about my dad that I had been holding in for some reason came out like vomit. And that is apparently just what I needed.
Jason has always been so supportive and understanding even though he hasn't lost a parent or grandparent before. He totally gets what I am feeling and that is such a relief. I am so thankful that he had the chance to get to know my dad before he died so we can talk about him together.
I think what was lingering in my mind and what made me feel this urge to cry was the fact that so much has changed in our lives recently. He would be so proud of Jason for graduating from school (Jason had just finished his first year of law school when my dad died), passing the bar, and continuing to treat his daughter so perfectly. He would be proud of me for teaching clinical, taking pictures, and doing what I want to do. He would be so excited for our trip to South America.
Everything exciting that happens is met with sadness that he isn't here to experience it and I am not able to know what he would say about it. His endless advice that used to annoy me probably still would but a lot of that advice I said I didn't want shaped me into the woman I am today.
I hate that something as exciting as us having a baby someday will probably make me horribly sad at same time because he won't ever know his grandchildren and they won't ever know him.
I know I am not alone in losing someone close to me but it still fucking sucks.
There must be some energy in the air (even though my brother and I often think similarly as it is) because this morning my brother Josh texted me and told me he had watched a movie that reminded him of dad so much, Field of Dreams. I am also so thankful to have my brother to reminisce with, because we are the only ones who truly knew what it was like to be his child. For better or worse.
I have said on here a few times that one of my goals is to write a book and that I have already started it. The book is about my dad and I think it has wonderful potential because my dad lived quite an interesting life from beginning to end. I know it will take awhile to finish it, but I will finish it. He deserves it.
It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be. It's one of the reasons I love blogging and even moreso it's why I am writing the book.
I am not sure what I believe happens to you when you die, but I do think that many of the blessings that have occurred in my life since my dad passed are not coincidences. I feel him in certain moments and I hope it's because he helped them happen. I really hope so.
Thanks for everything dad, I miss you so much.