My Dad

Looking back on my past blog posts, I have kept things pretty light-hearted and fun for the most part. I don't usually talk about depressing things very often. I guess it's because most of the time I don't feel the need to, things are always pretty great in my life...and if not, it's usually because I'm being whiny or hormonal or it's not even worth mentioning because it's so trivial.
But there is one thing that is always there. Sometimes it's farther back in my mind and other times it's much closer to the surface.
My dad.
For those of you who don't know, my dad Bruce passed away in June of 2009. He was 54 years old. His medical history is very complicated and ultimately it is what lead to his death.
Sadly, he died 6 months before our wedding and that was very hard for me and my family. The first year in general was very emotional and surreal. I had a hard time believing it was real half the time. My mom, my brother, and I dealt with his death in very different ways and we continue to deal with it in different ways.
I can't believe it's been over 2 years since he died. It's gone so fast, yet so many things have changed in our lives since then. We've moved on....as much as you can when someone so important in your life dies.
Everyone always told me as time passes it will get easier but hit me at random moments and I won't understand why. That hadn't really happened until just the other day. Usually I can pinpoint what made me upset and I understand why it reminded me of him and how much I miss him. But in the last several months I have felt like I am on the verge of crying for no reason and he just pops up in my head. But I really haven't cried about it.
On Friday night, we were watching a TV show (Parenthood) and for whatever reason at the end of the show I got a huge lump in my throat. Sure, the episode had undertones that had to do with father-daughter or father-son relationships but nothing specific about the show really reminded me specifically of my dad. Now, it's not uncommon for me to cry during a TV show, especially at certain times of the month (if you catch my drift) so when Jason saw tears in my eyes at the end of the show he just smiled at me and didn't think much of it. I went to the bathroom and I cried a little bit but composed myself quickly and came back out to the couch. I knew I couldn't look Jason in the eye though because I knew that would be bad news. And sure enough, I look to my left and his sad puppy eyes looked at me and he asked me if I was okay and I started sobbing. Not just sobbing...but can't breath, hyperventilating, loud, and can't stop crying for anything kind of sobbing. I buried my face in his shirt and just laid there until I finally was able to stop.
It felt so good.
Months of pent up sadness about my dad that I had been holding in for some reason came out like vomit. And that is apparently just what I needed.
Jason has always been so supportive and understanding even though he hasn't lost a parent or grandparent before. He totally gets what I am feeling and that is such a relief. I am so thankful that he had the chance to get to know my dad before he died so we can talk about him together.
I think what was lingering in my mind and what made me feel this urge to cry was the fact that so much has changed in our lives recently. He would be so proud of Jason for graduating from school (Jason had just finished his first year of law school when my dad died), passing the bar, and continuing to treat his daughter so perfectly. He would be proud of me for teaching clinical, taking pictures, and doing what I want to do. He would be so excited for our trip to South America.
Everything exciting that happens is met with sadness that he isn't here to experience it and I am not able to know what he would say about it. His endless advice that used to annoy me probably still would but a lot of that advice I said I didn't want shaped me into the woman I am today.
I hate that something as exciting as us having a baby someday will probably make me horribly sad at same time because he won't ever know his grandchildren and they won't ever know him.
I know I am not alone in losing someone close to me but it still fucking sucks.
There must be some energy in the air (even though my brother and I often think similarly as it is) because this morning my brother Josh texted me and told me he had watched a movie that reminded him of dad so much, Field of Dreams. I am also so thankful to have my brother to reminisce with, because we are the only ones who truly knew what it was like to be his child. For better or worse.
I have said on here a few times that one of my goals is to write a book and that I have already started it. The book is about my dad and I think it has wonderful potential because my dad lived quite an interesting life from beginning to end. I know it will take awhile to finish it, but I will finish it. He deserves it.
It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be. It's one of the reasons I love blogging and even moreso it's why I am writing the book.
I am not sure what I believe happens to you when you die, but I do think that many of the blessings that have occurred in my life since my dad passed are not coincidences. I feel him in certain moments and I hope it's because he helped them happen. I really hope so.
Thanks for everything dad, I miss you so much.

A few embarassing thoughts...

I just finished my first week with my last group of clinical students for the semester. I always get so stressed out before I meet them, worrying it won't go as well as it has before or that they won't grasp the concepts well. I am always so pleasantly surprised at how respectful, smart, and willing to learn each and every one of them are : )

I am going to go to bed soon because I have a lot on my to-do list for my day off tomorrow...but first, a few embarassing thoughts:

~I just spent the last hour watching 'Long Island Medium' on TLC. A reality show about a woman who talks to the dead. I am not so sure I believe in mediums but I do know that I sobbed every single time she talked to someone about their family member or friend who has passed on. I might be a little hormonal (I can blame anything on that!) but I am pretty glad Jason didn't see my ugly cries.

~I have not read the final Twilight book...that's not really embarrassing. Or is it? I have managed not to find out what happens in the end of the series somehow (so don't spoil it for me!) but now that there are trailers on TV for the final movie I have to plug my ears and close my eyes anytime it comes on TV. The embarrassing part is how excited I am to see the movie...especially since I don't really like the other movies in the first place! I just like the hot vamps and wolves...anyone wanna borrow me the book?

~I ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese for lunch all by myself...and it wasn't even the deluxe kind. If I'm going to do, I should've done it right!

~ I haven't washed a single dish or loaded the dishwasher in over a month. My husband is fabulous and I owe him big time. He takes good care of me when I'm busy : ) I will make it up to you baby! THAT is pretty embarrassing!

The list could go on I'm sure but I'll spare you.
Now I'm super sleepy and better hit the hay so I can get up at a semi-decent time (before noon) and accomplish lots of adult things...boo!

bye bye fall, hello snow flakes! ugh...(I saw them on my way home from clinical tonight)

Quite the weekend!

We are back in Jacksonville and heading back to Minnesota tomorrow after a fun-filled wedding weekend on Jekyll Island in Georgia.
We stayed at an awesome, historical hotel (The Jekyll Island Club).
A few fun facts for all you history buffs out there:
1) The club was a very exclusive social gathering location during the late 1800's and early 1900's. Only the richest people could get in there and people built their summer homes and brought their yachts, etc. along with. People like J.P Morgan, William Rockefeller, and Joseph Pulitzer had homes there.
2) The first transcontinental phone call was palced from Jekyll Island.
3) And plans for the creation of the Federal Reserve were drafted on Jekyll Island
(all info found on the website for the hotel...I am used to citing my sources for school ; )...no copying intended here folks)
It was fun to stay somewhere with so much history! Makes me remember how much I actually liked history class! 
Anyhoo, our room was located in one of the re-furbished summer homes. It was quite the place. The whole she-bang was held there. The rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception. It was gorgeous.
Here are a few pictures from the rehearsal dinner night. I am pretty sure I will never drink again after this weekend. At least not for a while ; )

A view from inside our room...such an awesome room. Even had a fireplace! : )

I LOVE moss covered trees!

The boys hanging out with the groom (Tony) on the balcony

Amanda and I keeping ourselves busy while the boys had the rehearsal... : )

Looking good boys...

that is intense...

I loved this background...what a sunset eh?

Amanda (my buddy all weekend!!) and Mark

had to be that picture taking freak and step outside to shoot this sunset real fast during dinner ; )

Later that night, we headed out to the pier for some dancing and more drinking...ahh yes. There was a 2-man band playing their guitars and much to my happiness and surprise these nice country boys knew some Amos Lee and Ray LaMontagne songs. : ) Yes! (and as you can tell, these pictures were NOT from my nice camera...that is not a wise mix with whiskey)

listening to some music

Jason creeping into the picture as usual

best picture ever.

Some quality dance moves

once Mark and Jason start dancing...there's no turning back

Needless to say, we didn't feel super awesome the next day. When the boys headed off to the sports bar with the groom on his wedding day, Amanda and I layed around all day and eventually made it to mimosas and face masks...

And THENNNNN...Nikki and Justin arrived! : ) (my seester in law and her hubby) and we headed to the wedding festivities:

Jamey and her daddy...tear

Nikki and Justin...Nik you looked HOT!

Bryan looking studly in his suit

he's like...yeah, I know

Nikki and Justin : )

Mr. and Mrs. McQuade!!

One set of Floridians feeling a bit chilly in the uncharacteristically cool weather that day...

Maid of Honor speech

My cute hubby giving his awesome Best Man speech : )

Mari's GORGEOUS baby, Avery : )

Love you Nik!

Stocking up...the bar is closing soon!!

Millard : ) How you feeling today??

We (we being Nikki and myself) had harrowing plans of getting really drunk (or I had plans for her) because we have never been alone just the four of us without the kidlets since Jason and I started dating. But try as we did, we couldn't quite get as wastey faced as we wanted. I take that back, Justin did it for the rest of us. But nevertheless, there was dancing, good conversation, and a nice long (daylight savings time induced) nights sleep.
Today, we said our goodbyes and got to Jacksonville thinking we might venture out and see what was around our hotel...however, we both got to the room, took one look at the ginormous and incredibly comfy looking bed and knew instantly that this Sunday would not be unlike other Sundays...so we are being lazy and watching football : )
Tomorrow we are heading back to MN but we will be back in the fla in just a few short weeks for Thanksgiving before our trip to South America. I am excited to see our nieces then...I miss them like woah!
This long weekend was a mixed bag of awesomeness. From Jacksonville Beach to Jekyll Island, GA, and back to downtown Jacksonville..it was definitely a success! : )
Congratulations to Tony and Jamey McQuade. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and I hope you LOVE your honeymoon in St. Lucia. Lord knows Jason and I are jealous and will remember our honeymoon through your pictures : )
Oh and one last thing...Tony, I know you made up the story about someone being murdered in our room at Jekyll Island. You should know I am very gullible when it comes to ghost stories and did NOT sleep well the first night. Jerk. ; )